


Ruin my Night

by Idea Turnstile (jatty)



Category: Pierce the Veil
Genre: Adopted Children, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 15:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6710212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jatty/pseuds/Idea%20Turnstile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After trying for years, Mike and Tony finally get a daughter to call their own. It's supposed to be the happiest time of their lives, but there's one problem: Lucia absolutely hates Mike.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ruin my Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeadMilitia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/gifts).



> A really, really long one-shot in a genre outside my usual angst. This was fun and I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!

It was supposed to be the best time of their lives. It was supposed to be the happiest they’d ever been. It was the time to take too many photos and share too many videos on social media, boasting just how happy and perfect their lives had become since they’d adopted their little bundle of joy. For three years they had tried and tried to find an agency that would sponsor them, to find a surrogate, to find a mother willing to let them adopt her child. They’d suffered heartbreak after heartbreak when agencies turned them away or paperwork simply reached a standstill. Women would agree to act as surrogate, then would change their minds and back out—not wanting the attention, not wanting a scandal. Many of the women who were planning to give their unborn babies up for adoption didn’t like the idea of a child being raised by two men—others didn’t believe that rock stars who went on tour for months on end could be considered good parents. 

Then, in late February, one of the many agencies Mike and Tony went through called with good news. A young woman was seeking a good home for her unborn daughter and had no concerns at all about sexuality of either parent. They scheduled an appointment and got to meet her then, after three months of one-on-one interviews and getting to know each other, she told them she could think of no better parents for her little girl. 

That gave Tony and Mike about two months to get their home ready for their new baby. Mike’s father had come over multiple times to make sure all the baby-proofing measures were completed properly while his mother stayed close to Tony, filling him in on all the tricks of caring for a baby—how to heat the milk, how to swaddle, how to give a bath without scaring the little infant. 

Tony swore the day he and Mike brought home their precious newborn—their darling Lucia—was the happiest of his life. That day was to be the beginning of their perfect future. From that beautiful August day forward, he and Mike were going have the perfect family. Mike would make dinner while Tony played guitar for their baby, then Tony would do dishes and Mike would put Lucia down for her nap. 

He’d had this vision of how fatherhood would play out for them. 

He’d been wrong. 

Instead of bringing them closer together, their daughter became a source of the most horrible stress either of them had endured. She cried _all the time,_ but no doctor could find out what was wrong with her. She wasn’t sick, she was just unhappy… Uncomfortable. Instead of being soothed by the guitar melodies Tony tried to play, Lucia would become upset and _scream_ until he stopped. Mike tried singing to her, but she would throw even more of a fit when he held her—no matter how he held her or rocked her. 

When Tony held her he could usually get her to stop crying in a few minutes, but Mike never had that luck.

“She hates me,” Mike started to say, pulling away more and more from their daughter as the months went by. He was so hurt by his daughter’s apparent dislike for him and after the six month mark had turned to telling Tony that Lucia was _his_ daughter, not theirs. She would cry and Mike’s response was no longer to even try to console her. “Your daughter is crying,” he’s say. “Why don’t _you_ make her bottle? She’s _your_ daughter.”

All the images Tony had in his head were dashed. All his happy daydreams about raising a baby together with the love of his life were turning into nightmares. When Mike pulled away from Lucia, he pulled away from Tony as well. They shared a bed but did little more than that at night when they struggled to sleep in between Lucia’s crying fits. Tony was so afraid that Mike was going to leave him. They were supposed to be the perfect family… They’d gotten the baby they’d always wanted, now why weren’t they happy? Mike’s mother had told them a baby would bind them together in ways they never thought possible—filled their heads with fantasies that crumbled a little more each and every day…

Even the smallest thing turned into a fight. Tony knew it was because they weren’t sleeping well since Lucia cried so much at night, but it hurt every time Mike snapped at him. It made him feel lower than dirt whenever Mike would tell him off—or dismiss him with a clipped “she’s your daughter; do whatever the hell you want.”

“We need more onesies,” Tony said, looking over his shoulder at Mike who sat on the couch watching television with the volume almost completely off. Lucia was down for her nap and Tony had taken the time to fold their clean laundry.

“We just bought, like, ten a couple months ago.”

“I know, but these ones are getting to be too small. She’s growing so fast, you know,” Tony said, smiling a little with pride even though Mike wouldn’t even look at him. 

“We just bought a ton of onesies… We don’t need more.”

“Mike, she’s getting bigger. Usually you’re excited to buy her clothes.” Tony turned back to the laundry in front of him on their floor, hiding his frown as he went back to work. Mike used to love picking out outfits for Lucia, but now that she squirmed away whenever he tried to dress her he’d lost interest. 

“If you want to go waste more money on onesies, go. She’s your daughter. Do whatever you want.”

“She’s _our_ daughter. We could go after Lucy wakes up from her nap. It’d be nice to get out.”

“If you want to take her shopping, take her shopping,” Mike said, grabbing the remote and turning up the volume on the TV.

“I want to go with you… We could stop for dinner somewhere—”

“Why? So she can cry the whole time and we can be _that_ couple? Not just the parents with the noisy kid, but the _queer_ parents with the noisy kid. I don’t think so.”

Tony sighed heavily and folded their towels. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. The thought struck him over Christmas—around three months ago—that Mike was going to leave him. He had no interest in Lucia anymore and even less interest in Tony. What was even keeping him around now? Clearly not love…

“I’ll take Lucy with me so you don’t have to deal with either of us for a while,” Tony said softly. “Maybe I’ll go to my mom’s this weekend. I’ll take Lucy and…and you can have some time to yourself.”

“I don’t want you take my daughter away from me! If you want to go to the store, we’ll go to the store. You don’t have to move out.”

“I didn’t say I was going to move out,” Tony said, turning to look at Mike again. He was glaring at the television now, his feelings clearly hurt. Tony used to be able to read him like an open book. Now he could barely understand what went through Mike’s head.

Did Mike love him or hate him? He honestly didn’t know anymore. There must be something left if he got hurt by Tony suggesting going away for a weekend. 

“You want to come with me to the store?” Tony asked, trying again in a nicer tone in hopes Mike would agree. Maybe they would have a good time. Maybe Lucia wouldn’t cry the whole time. She seemed to like car rides. 

“Yeah… Maybe that food truck will be out by the natural foods store again.”

“Oh! I like that one! I hope it’s there…” Tony started folding a little faster, a small spark of hope filling his chest. The spark grew a little brighter when the television suddenly cut off and he felt Mike sit down behind him on the floor. He smiled and leaned back against Mike’s chest, relief flooding him as Mike wrapped his arms around his waist. “You smell so good today,” Tony added, pressing back a little harder and turning his head in an attempt to kiss Mike’s neck. 

“Hm? I’m wearing the same cologne as always.”

“Yeah? I noticed you don’t wear the one I bought you for Christmas,” Tony said, setting aside the laundry in order to turn and face his partner. 

“I like this one,” Mike said as he pulled Tony in for another kiss. The gentle touch worked wonders on Tony’s doubts and insecurities. There was still affection in the touch—still passion and _love._

Yes. Mike still loved him. 

Thank _God._

( ) ( ) ( )

Lucia was screaming—wouldn’t stop screaming—and kept throwing her tiny hands around in distress as they hurried back to the car after a failed, _failed_ shopping trip. They hadn’t gotten any onesies. They didn’t even make a purchase. Lucia started squalling as soon as they set foot in the store and once she began crying, Mike’s patience flew out the window. 

Tony was made to endure the judgmental looks they were getting from the clerks and other shoppers, made to listen to Lucia’s crying, and made to deal with Mike’s bitter comments. 

“I knew we should’ve stayed home. I don’t see the point of this. We can’t take her anywhere. May as well just leave her in a diaper and nothing else since she can’t even leave the house—forget the onesies. Who would know?”

“I get it—I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry! I won’t make you come out with us again,” Tony said as he opened the backseat door of their SUV, cradling a fidgeting Lucia to his chest. “I offered to take her away for the weekend, but you—”

“Said no! I don’t want you to take my daughter!”

“You know that’s the only time you call her _your_ daughter? Every other time she’s just _my_ kid.”

“Well sorry she likes you better!” Mike snapped, climbing into the driver’s seat while Tony struggled to fit Lucia into her car seat. “What’s taking you so long?—Are we going or not?”

“I’m _sorry!_ I told you the buckles are hard on this thing… We need a new car seat,” Tony added in a low grumble. 

“You picked that one and that’s the one we have.”

“Well I want a new one!”

“Then go back inside and buy a fucking new one! I don’t see why you can’t just figure out the fasteners. They’re not that hard.”

“Yes they are!” Tony said, his voice cracking. He did _not_ want to cry over this, but that was exactly where he was heading. He couldn’t help it. He was frustrated and _tired,_ and his head hurt so badly. The last thing he wanted was Mike yelling at him too. 

“Tone… Come on. Don’t cry about it,” Mike said, his voice suddenly gentle. 

“I’m _not_ crying,” Tony said bitterly, struggling with the fastener while Lucia kicked her feet at him. He paused to fit her pacifier back into her mouth, but that only quieted her for a few moments before she spat it out in favor of crying.

“Here, let me help,” Mike said, leaning through the space between the front seats. 

“I’ve got it,” Tony hissed. 

“Let me help, Tone. I can show you the trick—”

“There’s no trick! There’s _no_ trick! This seat is fucking cheap, okay!? It’s cheap! I bought the wrong one and I want to _replace it!”_ Tony cursed and wiped his face as he felt the tears start rolling defiantly down his cheeks. 

“We don’t need a new car seat. This one’s fine. You just don’t know the trick with the fasteners.”

“It’s not just the fasteners! This whole thing is just— It’s not safe! It’s not safe for her! It slips when you go around corners!”

“So I’ll take the corners slower—please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying!” Tony screamed. His expression must’ve become fierce because Lucia’s cries turned choked and she started cowering in her car seat, putting her hands up by her face as she whimpered. “Oh—Oh, no. No, Lucy. It’s okay. I’m sorry. Daddy’s sorry.”

He heard Mike sigh and flop back against his seat in front of him. Tony sniffed as he adjusted the straps, finally managing to get everything in place. He kissed Lucia on the forehead and cheek, then smoothed her hair before he pulled back and closed the door. He stood behind the SUV a moment, wiping his face and trying to regain his composure before getting into the passenger seat. 

His relationship was falling apart and he didn’t know what to do to salvage it. He and Mike hardly even fought before they’d gotten Lucia. He didn’t know how to do this—he didn’t know how to fight or how to make up, or how much was too much. There were many days he was left feeling like Mike’s punching bag, but he couldn’t get _mad_ about it. He knew how stressed Mike was lately. He just couldn’t control himself, that’s all…

But Tony couldn’t deny that it hurt. They used to never raise their voice to each other (except those times that performing had robbed them of their hearing), now all they did was yell. 

What kind of environment was that for a baby? They’d hoped to enrich the life of a child, not ruin it. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Mike couldn’t sleep. Lucia was finally quiet, but Mike’s mind was screaming louder than she ever could. He kept playing over that moment in the car—the moment he’d made Tony cry. He hated seeing Tony like that, but it happened more and more now. Mike knew it was his fault, too, and that stung. He was the reason things weren’t going well in their family. Their daughter didn’t like him and his partner didn’t either… Tony was so happy when they’d gotten Lucy. He’d probably be happy now if Mike just slipped quietly out of the picture.

Mike sighed as he slid out of bed, careful not to disturb the blankets too much so Tony wouldn’t wake up. He peered through the dark and pull on his discarded jeans and t-shirt from earlier and went to sit in the living room until sunup. Around five, Lucia started fussing but Mike made it to her room and shut off the baby monitor before she could disturb Tony. 

“Hey, little lady,” Mike whispered, turning on the dim lamp across the room. “Let’s get you changed. Okay?” He cringed as he went to pick her up, his heart sinking when she began to wail. He tried everything to get her to quiet down, but she continued to fuss and cry as he cleaned her up and changed her diaper. He put her back down in her crib when he sensed Tony behind him in the doorway. He would be able to get her to eat. Mike never could.

“Did she wake you up?” Tony asked.

“Haven’t slept,” Mike mumbled, brushing past Tony and going into the bathroom to shower. Even when Lucia was quiet he couldn’t sleep.

When he got out of the bathroom, Tony was in the kitchen making breakfast even though it was way too early for any of them to be awake. Trying to make up for what happened the day before, Mike came up behind Tony where he stood at the stove cooking pancakes and hugged him around the waist. 

“Morning, Baby,” he whispered, nuzzling Tony’s neck until his partner started to reciprocate. 

“Lucy’s sleeping again. I thought you might be hungry…”

Mike didn’t answer, just held Tony close and kissed his neck until he managed to get a reaction. Tony turned off the burner and moved to kiss Mike in return, working their mouths together until Mike slid a hand up his shirt. If Lucia could just stay asleep a little longer…

“Bedroom?” Mike asked as Tony began palming his hips. 

“Okay,” Tony breathed, smiling as Mike began kissing and sucking on his neck yet again—tracing the line of his tattoos with his tongue. They hadn’t gotten any further than this in eight months of trying. Something always stopped them. 

Mike was getting so worked up he was shaking as they crept past Lucia’s room. They kissed a little while longer before Tony laid back on the bed, pulling Mike down on top of him. Tony looked so good beneath him, his eyes dark with lust as they shifted out of their clothes. 

It’d been far, far too long since the last time they’d done this but it all still came so naturally. He forgot how in-tune they were with one another until they finally slid together. Tony’s eyes had clenched shut in pain, but Mike knew every place to kiss and touch to get him to relax. That little spark of pain stayed in his eyes even when Tony nodded his head and whispered that it was okay for Mike to move. They’d gone too long without being together… Tony had gotten so tight it was nearly painful for Mike, too. He felt so bad for hurting him, but Tony kept whispering that he was fine and would moan whenever Mike would stroke him. 

Mike was almost at the edge when Lucia began crying down the hall. His head snapped up, breaking their kiss, though his hips stuttered forward a few more times as he listened.

“Mike—Mike, come on. Don’t stop!” Tony panted, hugging him around the shoulders and trying to pull him down. 

Mike tried to slip back into the mood, accepting the kiss Tony gave, but Lucia’s crying just grew louder and louder. He couldn’t stand it. She was crying. His daughter was crying. 

He started to pull away even though Tony clutched onto his arms and shoulders almost desperately. 

“Mike, no! Please?—Please! She’s fine, Mike! Please, she’s fine. Don’t stop—don’t go.” Tony was pleading with him and Mike tried so hard to oblige him, but Lucia’s squalling infected him and he had no choice but to pull away. He was sorry, but they had to stop. Someone had to go check on Lucia and see what was upsetting her. 

He just needed to make her stop, then they could go back to what they’d been doing. He didn’t expect it to make Tony start to cry again. 

“Oh forget it!” Tony shouted when Mike tried to touch him. He sat up, wincing in pain and hissing as he did, then got dressed and limped to Lucia’s room. 

Mike stayed in their bed, his head in his hands, hating himself. They’d had a chance to reconnect and he’d let himself get distracted. Of course Lucia had started to cry—she _always_ cried. It was nothing new, so why had he stopped? Why did her crying still affect him _so much?_

When Mike looked over at the bed sheets, he noticed smears of blood where Tony had been, making him sick to his stomach. Stopping like he had, he just turned their moment of passion into a bout of pain for his partner. He’d hurt Tony… They hadn’t touched each other in over eight months and the first chance he got, he’d ruined it for Tony.

He couldn’t understand why Tony stayed with him at all. They didn’t sleep together anymore, their daughter hated Mike—they had nothing left. 

They had nothing left… That thought broke his heart. He still loved Tony with every bit of his heart. He didn’t want to be part of what made Tony’s life miserable. Mike started to get the dark thought that maybe Tony would be happier without him. He could do better… Tony could definitely, _easily_ do better without him. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Tony couldn’t wait to show Mike the pictures he’d gotten of Lucia at the park. She’d been sitting happily in the grass, playing with a few of the toys Tony had brought with them, when a butterfly landed right on top of her head. Right on top! It was the cutest thing Tony had ever seen and he was sad Mike hadn’t been there to see it. He’d taken about six photos before Lucia had shaken the butterfly from her short, thin hair.

Mike was going to love them!

Only when he reached the driveway, their SUV was gone and the front door was locked. 

“Where’d Dad go, huh, Lucy?” Tony asked, trying to put on a happy tone to distract for the nervousness coiling in his stomach. “Maybe he went to get us dinner—wouldn’t that be nice?” He unlocked the door, then took Lucia out of her stroller before pulling it up the step into their house. “I bet he went to see if that food truck is out by Nature’s Market.”

After closing the door, Tony carried Lucia to her room and laid her down in her crib. Going to the park always tuckered her out and she was asleep shortly after her head hit the pillow. Tony would never get tired of watching her big eyes fight to stay open for the last few seconds before sleep. 

She was so, so precious to him. If only she’d let Mike get this close. Tony couldn’t understand why she cried around him so much. It couldn’t be the tattoos or the tone of his voice… It couldn’t be that she sensed a wickedness in him that no one else could see, either. Mike was good and kind and loving. He had the biggest heart Tony had ever known. 

Tony quietly slipped out of Lucia’s bedroom and went into his own, thinking a nap sounded pretty good before dinner. However, as soon as he made it into his room his chest tightened. The closet was hanging open—and was half empty. Two drawers of his and Mike’s dresser were open a crack and when Tony finally worked up the nerve to go check, they were empty too. 

Mike’s clothes were gone. One of his suitcases was gone. His phone and its charger were gone. His tablet, his laptop—gone. All gone. 

His drums were still in the garage, same with his gaming systems and larger belongings. Whatever he could fit in a bag, however, was gone. 

Tony felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. His body was shaking as he paced from room to room, looking for Mike even though he knew his partner was gone. 

Gone. 

_Gone._

Tony took his phone out of his pocket and called Mike’s phone, hoping he would answer—hoping he had some explanation. Maybe his father was sick and he needed to go home suddenly. Maybe Vic was going through another rough patch and needed Mike’s help. 

When Mike didn’t answer, Tony’s next thought was to call Vic. If anyone knew where to find Mike, it had to be his brother. They were so close. 

“Hey! Hey—it’s Tony. Is… Is, uh—Is Mike with…with you?” Tony asked, his voice coming out in shaky gasps as he slowly slid down onto the floor of his bathroom. 

“Mike? No. Why? Is everything okay?” Vic asked. 

“Um… I-I don’t know. M-Mike’s gone. His clothes are gone.”

“His clothes are gone?”

“I just took Lucia to the park and when I got back his clothes were all gone and our car is gone. He’s not with you?”

“No—I haven’t heard from him, Tone… Shit. Did something happen?”

“We fought the other day but I didn’t think it was _serious!_ What am I going to do, Vic?”

“I-I don’t know. Mike’s probably just… He’s—I don’t know. I can’t see him walking out on you or his daughter—”

“But that’s just it! He doesn’t see her as his daughter.”

“Yes, he does. I know he says some really stupid shit, but he loves Lucia. He wouldn’t walk on her—”

“Except he did! Vic, he’s _gone._ He—He _left_ me!” The thought stole his breath away, weighing heavily on his chest until all he could take were short, shallow breaths.

“He’ll come back. Tony? Tony… He’ll come back. He will. He probably needs time.”

“He left me,” Tony repeated, struggling to take a breath as the tears rushed him. Mike left him. Mike left him and Lucia behind… Tony was going to have to raise her on his own. He was going to have to be father and mother and everything else…all by himself. All alone. 

He was so caught up in panicking he hadn’t realized he was saying it all aloud.

“Tony, I’m going to try calling him, okay? Then I’m coming over. It’ll be okay, Tony. I promise.” Vic sounded so confident, but Tony didn’t believe him. He didn’t understand. Vic hadn’t been living in this hell with them for eight months. Vic didn’t see Mike pulling away from him, he didn’t see how Lucia cried whenever Mike got near her… Vic didn’t know they hadn’t slept together in eight months and that their sad attempts turned into nothing more than disappointment. He didn’t understand that Mike wasn’t having a moment of doubt—he’d given up. 

When the line went dead, Tony slowly set his phone down on the tile floor beside him and held his head in his hands. He still couldn’t stop shaking and his sharp breaths had turned to sobs. 

He couldn’t do this on his own. How did Mike expect him to do this alone? 

_How?_

( ) ( ) ( )

Mike had spent more his drive screaming at his steering wheel than he did actually paying attention to the roads he took or the direction he was going. He’d packed in a fit a madness, stuffed whatever he could into the first bag he could find, and drove off not fifteen minutes after Tony had left with Lucia. 

He said he was taking her to the park, but packed far more supplies than he could ever possibly need. He was just being cautious—Mike _knew_ that—but deep down he feared Tony was taking Lucia away. He was taking her to his parents’ house, taking her away from Mike. And why wouldn’t he? Their partnership was deteriorating more and more each day, and it would only make sense that Lucia would go to stay with Tony’s family when they inevitably broke up. Lucia actually loved Tony… She hated Mike with every fiber of her tiny being. 

The though pierced him like a stake through the heart. 

His daughter wouldn’t even let him hold her. It had been that way since they day they brought her home. She would scream and wail and throw her little hands and feet around until Mike set her down or passed her to Tony…

So while Tony was left to do all the tasks which required carrying or holding their baby, Mike had to watch dejectedly from the sidelines. His daughter hated him and he didn’t understand why. She cried if he held her, cried if he changed her, screamed if he tried to give her a bath. He couldn’t even dress her despite how much time he spent in the Babies R Us picking out all the best onesies and dresses that his daughter was too small to wear. He’d been the one to put her crib together, picked out all her furniture, cried in the bathroom for three hours from mixed anxiety and happiness before they got to go to the hospital to pick her up for the first time. 

He wanted a baby more than Tony did—he was sure of that—but the one they’d finally gotten _hated_ him out of instinct. She cried the first time he held her and stopped as soon as Tony had her in his arms. At first it was cute. Mike got to watch as all the reservation left Tony’s face, got to see his eyes light up as it all sank in. He was a father now. He and Mike were to be fathers together. Finally. Just like they’d dreamed.

Tony got to experience that happiness. Mike didn’t. 

Mike spent every day worrying what was going to happen when Lucia was old enough to speak. Her cries hurt him enough… It would kill him if he ever heard the baby he’d been dreaming about having for three years tell him she hated him. 

It was bound to happen though. Mike gave up on holding her, gave up on being the one to swaddle her in at night… She was Tony’s baby. Tony’s daughter… Maybe in another few years they could adopt another baby that might love him as well as Tony. Maybe…if he was lucky. He doubted it though. Tony didn’t even love him anymore, how was he going to win a newborn’s affection? 

They hadn’t made love since they’d brought Lucia home… All Tony wanted to do was take care of baby—feed the baby, change the baby, dress the baby, bathe the baby, take pictures of the baby. He didn’t have time for Mike anymore. 

Little Lucy—his beloved little Lucia… Mike picked her name, he picked her first outfit, took her first photo, and yet she screamed whenever he came near her. It made Mike feel that he was wrong to have pushed for this. Maybe they weren’t meant to have a daughter together. 

That was what Mike was afraid of. Maybe they weren’t meant to be together at all. 

He’d let those thoughts get to him until he packed his bags and fled the house, pretending he could put distance between himself and all his pain. All he succeeded in doing was making that pain grow worse.

What was he supposed to do now?

He didn’t know, so he just kept driving and screaming—punching the steering wheel, punching the dashboard, clenching his hands into fists until his fingers started going numb. 

He was a bad father… He was a bad partner, a bad boyfriend, a bad _person._ How could he walk out on Tony? He was probably worried sick…

He’d called enough times. Vic started calling him, then Jaime too. Mike felt cornered no matter how fast he flew down the interstate. He couldn’t answer the calls but ignoring them made his anxiety spike higher and higher. 

What in the hell was he doing? 

He didn’t know. He just _didn’t know._

In the moment he’d thought he was doing what was best—what Tony _wanted._ All Mike did was make their baby daughter cry. Why would Tony want him in the house when he returned home? That was what Mike had thought as he packed.

Tony wanted to take his daughter away and Tony wanted him gone… 

But the calls and texts Mike kept getting screamed otherwise. 

He was lost. He was so, so lost. 

He drove for two hours straight before he finally took his foot off the accelerator for a moment and let the car slow down—and only because he was crying so hard he couldn’t see. Months of repressed pain washed over him all at once. His swirling thoughts finally condensed into one:

Why? 

Why did it have to end like this? 

They’d been so happy to hear they were finally getting a baby, and even happier when she’d come into the world perfectly healthy. She was beautiful. She was everything they’d ever dreamed she could be. 

So why didn’t she love him?

What was so inherently wrong with him that an infant could detect it? Why wasn’t he good enough?

He’d been driving so long, so caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t even realize he was running low on fuel until the bright yellow light clipped on on his dashboard. 

He cursed as the light added on to his anxiety. He was in the middle of nowhere. What was he supposed to do? There didn’t seem to be any cities around and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d passed a populated exit. The fear of being stranded on the interstate silenced the thoughts he’d been having and his mind became almost eerily quiet. All he could focus on were exits he passed, wishing he recognized one. 

How had he ended up all the way out here before he realized it? 

After about twenty nerve wracking minutes, road signs advertising fast food restaurants and lodgings began cropping up along the interstate. It wouldn’t be far now, he thought. The next sign listed over four different fuel stations and the relief that washed over him almost felt holy. He was so, so thankful he wouldn’t have to call Vic from three hours away begging for help. 

Mike pulled off onto the exit and stopped at the light. The safest looking gas station was too his left, so he put on the turn signal and stared at the red light, waiting for it to change. It seemed to take forever, but as soon as it was green he pulled forward and started making his turn—not at all prepared for the driver coming at him to keep driving straight for him, running the red light they had altogether. 

Mike cursed and hit the accelerator, cringing in anticipation for an impact and still tense even after he made it through the intersection unharmed. Someone else blared their horn at that other driver, distracting him and almost making him miss the entrance to the gas station. He was still going too fast and he felt the car nearly slip out of his control as he sped around the sharp curve. The car seat in the back jostled around as the SUV bounced over the slight ridge at the mouth of the gas station, nearly tipping completely over despite the fasteners meant to be holding it in place. 

Mike had to take a moment to recover when he pulled up at the fuel pump, and once he had his composure he looked into the backseat at the tilted car seat.

Tony was right… That thing wasn’t safe. Not at all. There hadn’t even been an accident, no impact or anything, yet it moved out of place. What if Lucia had been there? She could’ve gotten hurt. She was so small and fragile—what if they _did_ get into an accident? That stupid car seat would let her get thrown all over the place. She could get a neck injury so easily. 

Mike felt hatred pool in his stomach as he stared at the car seat, directing all the anger he had at it as if it _had_ let Lucia get hurt. He didn’t care if she screamed every time he touched her, he still wasn’t going to sit idly by while she was in danger. And that stupid, _useless_ car seat was putting her in danger.

He was fuming as he pumped gas into his car, and still mad as he got back in and picked up his phone. He knew he should probably call Tony or at least Vic, but he had other things to worry about. Maybe his entire life was spiraling out of control, but he could at least take control of _something._

( ) ( ) ( )

It was after nine o’clock at night when Tony heard a car door slam outside. He lifted his head from his hands and stared at the door, unable to stand from the couch as Vic did in order to look outside. 

“It’s Mike,” Vic said, peeking out through the curtain. 

Tony didn’t know whether to be angry or relieved. Both emotions flooded him but all he could do was sit there and pray that Mike had a good excuse for this—or at least an apology. They were both so stressed lately. He couldn’t blame Mike if he’d had some sort of breakdown. At least he was back, right?

Or was he just back to pack more things?

Vic opened the door before Mike was even on the front step, and once the door cracked open Tony got to his feet. He had his arms crossed over his chest, trying to keep himself warm. He’d felt so cold since he’d come home to find Mike gone, as if he’d been immersed in a bucket of ice. 

“Where the hell have you been? Is your phone broken? I called you a hundred times,” Vic said, backing up as Mike stepped into the house. 

Tony’s eyes went wide when he saw the amount of bags—plastic bags—lining Mike’s arms. He was coming in the door sideways he had so much stuff, and he carried a large box under his right arm. 

“I was busy,” Mike said. “Where’s Tony?”

“I’m here,” Tony said, hating how meek and quiet his voice came out. “Where were you?”

“Shopping,” Mike said, looking at him as he came closer.

“I can see that… But did you need to take all of your clothes with you?”

“I’m going to head out,” Vic said, quickly gathering his things from the stand beside the couch and making his way out the door—desperate to avoid getting caught in the middle. 

“Why did you leave?” Tony asked, refusing to fall for all the offerings Mike had brought him. 

“I don’t know… I freaked out,” Mike said, letting the bags drop down onto the couch along with the large box. “I’m sorry. I can’t… I can’t really explain what happened. I know I haven’t been the best partner lately, but I’m going to try to fix it.”

“You walked out on me,” Tony said. He’d gotten the apology he wanted, but it didn’t soothe him the way he expected. He’d spent so many hours thinking he’d been abandoned. One “I’m sorry” didn’t erase all that pain. 

“I know,” Mike said, shame clouding his face as he looked from Tony to the stuffed bags on their couch.

“Were you really going to just leave me like that? Not even say anything?” Tony felt his bottom lip twitch, threatening to betray just how much pain he was in. He shook his head to dispel it, but not before Mike could see. 

“Tony, I’m so sorry. I know saying that doesn’t change anything, but I mean it. I don’t know what I was thinking—I _wasn’t_ thinking. I got it in my head that you were taking Lucy to your mom’s place and I go mad. I thought… I thought if you were going to leave me, I’d do it first.”

“You wanted to get back at me for something I didn’t even do! That’s what’s wrong with us, Mike. Don’t you get that? All you ever do is assume things are one way when the truth is something _completely_ different! You think Lucy hates you but she’s just fussy. She’s a baby.”

“I know,” Mike said. He looked away as he said it, his eyes filled with pain. 

“She _doesn’t_ hate you, Mike. She needs you. _I_ need you.”

Mike just stared at the bags, his shoulders slumped. That cold, jealous air he always had about him seemed to have been dispelled, leaving only insecurity and pain in its wake. 

As hurt as he was himself, Tony couldn’t bear to see Mike that way. He stepped forward and put his arms around Mike’s shoulders, resting his cheek on his partner’s shoulder until Mike started holding him in return. He kissed Mike’s chin and sighed, the sickness finally leaving his stomach as Mike rubbed his back and whispered apologies in his ear. 

They still had more to discuss, but not now. They were both still too upset and Tony was honestly afraid a full discussion would just push Mike to his breaking point again. He just came home. Tony would die if Mike walked out again. 

“So what all did you buy?” Tony asked, pulling back from their embrace. 

“Well, I bought us a new car seat,” Mike said, going to the large box and pulling back the bag which had been wrapped around it. “You were right. Ours is shit. But this one’s supposed to be the best on the market.”

Tony smiled as he recognized the label. He’d been ogling the same one online but hadn’t had the courage to buy it without discussing it with Mike—and discussions never went well. 

“They had some kind of sale going on, too, so it was ten percent off. And clothing was buy one get one free so I got her some more dresses.” Mike started digging through the bags, pulling out dress after dress and saying what he liked about them even though they were all too big for their eight-month-old. “I got a shit-ton of onesies, too. A _shit-ton._ Like…you won’t even believe it. I got one in every color in, like, four different sizes. Look. C’mere. Look.”

Mike pulled Tony over by his hand and they began digging through the bags together. Tony smiled as he sifted through all the new clothes. Not just onesies but shoes and socks—little headbands and new pacifiers. It was just like when they’d first learned they were getting Lucia. After he finished crying, Mike had gone out shopping and started nesting—getting their house ready for a baby girl. Now he was trying the same thing again, getting caught up in his shop-therapy. 

“Oh, wait—You have to see my favorite outfit. Close your eyes. I gotta piece it together real quick.” 

Tony rolled his eyes before covering them with his hands. Mike was getting excited again and if all he had to do to keep the good feeling going was play along, Tony was going to play along. He’d do anything to make Mike stay.

“Okay. Open them.”

“Oh my God. You’re an idiot,” Tony said, chuckling and turning away from the very _worst_ outfit Mike had yet to put together. 

“What? I think it’s cute! Don’t you like it?” Mike was laughing too as he held up the outfit. It was a light blue onesie with a cartoon turtle on the front made of felt. Mike had it paired with a bright green tool skirt and socks with little frogs on them. “She can be Daddy’s Little Turtle.”

“That’s awful,” Tony said, trying hard not to laugh. 

“You love it. And check out this one—I got four of these. Look, ‘Lil Rockstar.’ Isn’t that the cutest thing?”

Tacky was more like it, but Tony still couldn’t help but smile. Black and pink little onesies with cartoon block letters and ribbons all over them… They were exactly the sort of thing Mike bought for their daughter whenever Tony let him go out shopping alone. 

“Is she sleeping?” Mike asked after taking all the onesies and outfits and accessories out of the many bags and laying them in a display across the couch.

“Yes. Do you want me to take the tags off all these so I can put them in the wash tomorrow, or can we wait a while for you to come to your senses so we can return half of it?”

“Can’t return it. The boutique was, like, six hours from here. I’m not going there again.”

“Lucky me,” Tony mumbled, making space for himself on the couch and sitting down. He grabbed a pile of onesies and set to work pulling the tags off and putting them in one of the empty bags. “Are you going to help?”

“Yeah, just let me get the rest of my stuff out of the car and I’ll be back.” He took one step back toward the door and Tony was on his feet, following after him. He didn’t want to let Mike out of his sight. What if he’d just come to drop off all this baby stuff but intended to leave again and never come back? Tony didn’t trust him, and if Mike thought he was going to run away again, he was going to have to face Tony as he did it. “I’ll be right back, Tony,” Mike said when he noticed Tony following him. 

“Yeah… I’m going to make sure of that.”

Mike looked at him sadly, then came over for another hug. Tony accepted the embrace and kissed Mike on the cheek, turning away before Mike could kiss him on the lips in return. He wasn’t ready for that right now. He was afraid it would turn into a kiss goodbye. All the tiny outfits in the world wouldn’t replace Mike. Tony couldn’t just let him leave.

“I promise I won’t put you through this again,” Mike whispered before kissing Tony’s temple. “I’m so sorry.” He then pulled away and went out the door, out to their SUV where he collected his bag of clothes and his laptop. “I’m going to put these away and take a shower. Do you want to watch a movie or something before bed?—When I’m out?”

“Okay,” Tony said, willing to act as if nothing had happened until they were both rested—until the panicked feeling left him completely. 

( ) ( ) ( )

He could hear Lucia crying when he got out of the shower. It made him feel so much worse for what he’d done, forcing him to imagine what an awful future he would’ve left for Tony and his daughter had he actually stuck to his panic-induced plan. He didn’t like the thought of Tony being the only one there for Lucia. She deserved so much more than that.

Tony deserved better than that. 

Whether Mike held her or not, Lucia was going to cry. It was unfair of him to have gone so many months without even trying, leaving Tony to have to tend to their daughter’s every whim. It was no wonder she cried around Mike so much. He had distanced himself so much he was practically a stranger to her. 

So after he’d toweled dry and slipped into a fresh pair of boxers and a loose-fitting t-shirt, Mike left the bathroom and went to check on Lucia. 

Tony was holding her, gently rocking her in his arms as he slowly paced around the room in an attempt to soothe her. Mike stayed quietly in the doorway, watching them and taking in the soft hum of Tony’s voice as he whispered to their daughter and shushed her. 

“Do you need me to make her a bottle?” Mike asked, keeping his tone gentle. 

Tony flinched and turned around quickly, startled.

“What?—Oh. No. I made her one. She’s just not hungry…” There was pain in Tony’s eyes as he spoke. He knew how much Lucia’s crying grated on Mike’s nerves and wore him down. He was afraid Mike would get frustrated again and walk out for good this time. 

It was going to take so much work to redeem himself…

“Here. Let me hold her.”

“No, that’s okay. You don’t have to,” Tony said, looking down at Lucia and holding her a little closer to his chest. 

“I want to. Here.” Mike held his arms out until Tony reluctantly shifted Lucia into them. She squalled as she always did when Mike held her, but he refused to be deterred as easily as he had been before. She was his daughter whether she liked it or not and she was going to have to get used to him. “You look tired. Go put on that movie and I’ll come sit with you when she’s quieted down. Okay?”

“Alright,” Tony mumbled, looking so reluctant to leave the room before he finally did. 

“It’s just you and me, baby girl,” Mike whispered, bouncing Lucia a little in his arms. She screamed at him and pushed away the pacifier he tried to give her, then pushed away her bottle. She didn’t need changed, she wasn’t hungry… She was just unhappy. It killed him that he couldn’t think of any single thing to do to make her feel better. “Come on… Am I really that ugly?” Mike asked her, sitting down in the rocking chair by her crib. “You hate me this much, huh?” 

When rocking in the chair seemed to make her even more upset, Mike settled for sitting on the ground. Almost as soon as he’d reached the floor, Lucia’s screams turned to soft little grumbles and she began looking around. She squirmed a bit, reaching out one of her hands—straining to grab something though Mike couldn’t figure out what she was looking at or what she wanted.

Mike set her down on the floor, allowing her to start crawling away toward the door. Mike followed after her on all fours as well, trying to figure out what she was searching for, even when she made it into the hallway. It occurred to him that his daughter was essentially running away from him, but she was cooing instead of screaming so he figured she didn’t mind him tagging along behind her. 

“Um… What are you doing?” Tony asked when Lucia and then Mike crawled into the living room. 

“She’s looking for something,” Mike said, following Lucia who crawled forward toward the couch until she reached Tony’s feet. “Guess she was looking for you.”

“I guess so,” Tony said, smiling as he leaned down to pick up Lucia. 

As soon as he started to lift her, however, her face screwed up in a glare and she started to scream until he set her back down on the ground. 

“Or not,” Tony mumbled. 

“I think she just wants to move around,” Mike said, coming to sit on the floor beside the couch. Lucia stayed in place, looking at Tony’s shoes before reaching out and yanking on the laces. After she managed to get them untied, she giggled and yanked at one of the strings—waving it up and down. “What movie are we watching?” Mike asked, moving to sit on the couch beside Tony who leaned against him. 

“I don’t know… I was just channel surfing—don’t let her go into the kitchen. I haven’t bleached the floors in there in a while.” Always watchful, Tony noticed Lucia crawling away from them before Mike. 

Mike got up and chased after her, picking her up just before she crossed the threshold into the kitchen. She whined at him, but as soon as he set her down on the couch between himself and Tony, she calmed down and started cooing. She smacked at Tony’s hand until he gave it to her, letting her squeeze his finger in her tiny grip. 

Mike leaned down and kissed the top of her head, making his daughter tilt her head back to look at him, upsetting her balance and making her fall back against the couch cushion. She kept her hold on Tony’s finger and used it to pull herself back up into a sitting position. 

“I told you she doesn’t hate you,” Tony said after Mike kissed her a few more times and she’d yet to scream in disapproval. They continued to cuddle up on the couch for a while until Lucia got sleepy. When her head started to bob, Mike picked her up and cradled her against his chest as he carried her back to her crib and laid her down. She was silent as he carried her, but as soon as she was in the crib she started whimpering and kicking her feet. 

“What’s the matter?” Mike asked her, reaching into the crib to stroke her cheek with his finger. 

She whined even more, waving her hands around until Mike picked her back up and held her. He expected her to start crying like she always did when he held her, but she stopped fussing as soon as her head was against his chest. He held her close until he was certain she’d fallen asleep, then slowly placed her back in her crib and kissed her forehead. 

If only they could have more moments like this. That was all Mike really wanted. He wanted to be near her and care for her without her screaming and crying. Didn’t she know he could never do a thing to hurt her? Didn’t she know she had every bit of his heart in her tiny little hands?

( ) ( ) ( )

“You’re wearing that cologne I bought you,” Tony said as he nuzzled Mike’s bare chest. 

“It must be pretty strong if you can still smell it,” Mike replied, wrapping his arms around Tony’s shoulders and squeezing him tight. Finally, they got to be close. _Finally,_ Lucia stayed quiet long enough for them to enjoy one another. 

Tony hummed and snuggled closer, tangling their legs under the blankets. 

“We should go to the park later when it’s not so hot,” Mike said.

“Mhm,” Tony hummed, not really listening to him. 

“We can make Vic come with us. Get him out of the house for once.”

“Mmhm…”

“Or we can stay home and sleep.”

“That one,” Tony said, shifting around a little until he had his face buried in Mike’s neck. “You smell good.” 

“I smell like sweat,” Mike said, chuckling. 

“No, that’s me…” 

They cuddled a little while longer, mostly just enjoying the closeness while Tony faded in and out of consciousness. Every now and then he’d twitch awake and start mumbling some word of affection or another, then he’d slowly doze off while Mike combed his fingers through his hair. Massaging his scalp always got Tony to fall asleep and to Mike, nothing sounded better than a nap.

Lucia, however, had other plans. 

She started crying, waking up Tony who immediately started to pull away—groggy and weighed down with sleep as well as sore. Mike felt bad watching him struggle to pull himself up from the mattress. 

“Lay back down. I’ll go check on her,” Mike said, sitting up with much more ease than his partner. 

“I got it,” Tony mumbled, looking so sad and sleepy. 

“No. I’ve got it. Lay back down.” Mike grabbed Tony’s arm and pulled him back down to the mattress, pinning him there with a kiss before crawling out of bed and slipping on his boxers and shirt. 

“Well wash your hands before you pick her up,” Tony said as Mike left the room.

“I will,” Mike called back.

“And don’t kiss her until you’ve brushed your teeth please!”

“I _know,”_ Mike called from the bathroom as he washed his hands up to his elbows. He hesitated a moment, then leaned down and rinsed his face with the warm water just to be safe. 

He went to Lucia’s room and changed her diaper, then washed his hands again in the bathroom before picking her up and taking her with him to the bedroom. She had started whimpering when he left her alone in her crib and he had a terrible inability to leave her when she actually wanted his attention. 

“Don’t bring her in here!” Tony called, pulling their blankets over his head as if he thought himself indecent. 

“Why not? She’s lonely.”

“I’m naked!”

“You’re covered up. She can’t see anything.” 

“Mike…” Tony peeked out from the covers, but didn’t reveal more than his eyes.

“What?” Mike asked, rocking Lucia in his arms as he walked around the room. He took her over toward the dresser where she reached for the bottles of cologne and body spray he and Tony kept there. 

“Don’t let her put those in her mouth,” Tony said as soon as Lucia grabbed one of the bottles after knocking three of them over. 

“Yes, dear,” Mike said, rolling his eyes as Lucia brought the bottle up to her face. He pulled it away from her hand when she started trying to fit it in her mouth, just as Tony had predicted, but kept it close to her so she could still see it and wouldn’t cry. “Yeah, that’s Daddy’s cologne. Do you like that? Pretty, huh?” He turned the blue bottle around so it would shine, then sprayed a little on his neck when Lucia lost interest in it. Shortly after he set it back down, she started to grow fussy, then began crying and fighting against his hold. 

Just like always…

“Let me get dressed and I’ll take her,” Tony mumbled, whining a little as he tried to reach for his discarded underwear on the floor. He was desperate to stay under the covers as he moved, as if he really believed his daughter might see something and be scarred for life. Once he had his shirt and underwear on, he hurried to the bathroom to wash up, then took Lucia from Mike’s arms. 

As soon as he started to hold her, her screaming turned to grumbling.

Just like always, Mike thought as he went back over to the bed and sat down. Tony looked at him sadly, then turned toward the dresser and the bottles of cologne. 

“How many bottles of Versace do you have?” Tony asked, scrunching up his face as if he didn’t already know about the collection Mike had been growing of nearly empty _Eros_ bottles. 

“What? I like it.”

“I can tell…” Tony said, picking up one of the bottles and looking it over before bringing it to his nose and smelling it. Lucia reached up, trying to grab the bottle and Tony lowered it so she could look at it more closely. She started to grumble again and Tony looked at her in an odd way before her sprayed a bit of the cologne on himself. 

Instantly, Lucia started whining and then crying. 

“Mike…”

He didn’t have to say it. Mike already understood. 

Lucia was started to squirm to get away from him and then began squalling when he wouldn’t let her go or put her down. 

“Mike, she hates your cologne…” Tony said, looking over at him with exhaustion. It was so fucking simple. Too simple. 

Could it really be that easy? 

“Go wash it off and I bet she’ll calm down when you hold her. I bet you _anything_ it’s this stupid Versace,” Tony said, tossing the bottle down on the dresser before carrying Lucia out of the room. 

Mike got up from the bed and did as Tony suggested. He took off his shirt and washed his neck and shoulder as thoroughly as he could in their bathroom sink before going into Lucia’s room. Tony had set her in her crib and told Mike he was going to take a shower, leaving Mike alone with their daughter. 

She was still crying and continued to do so when Mike picked her up. She didn’t struggle to squirm away from him, though, and actually calmed down within a few minutes of him cradling her. When she stopped crying, she just started staring up at him and reached for his face—patting her chubby hand against his chin while babbling her nonsense syllables. 

Mike couldn’t help but smile at her, his perfect daughter. The weight that had been on his heart had dissipated, even though he had the fear that maybe this was all a fluke—a false hope. What if today it was just the cologne, but every other day it was something else? It was too easy to get his hopes up and Mike was scared of having them dashed. 

He’d have to test it again, just to make sure, but seeing her act the same way with Tony as she always did with him flooded him with relief. Maybe it was just the cologne. Maybe it was too strong for her when she was close. Maybe it irritated her eyes or her sensitive skin. 

With the cologne washed away, Lucia was happy to snuggle against his chest and paw at his face until he would kiss her forehead and make her laugh. He was holding her and she was happy. She didn’t hate him or fear him. She liked him—liked cuddling up to him the same way she did with Tony. 

It was the happiest moment of Mike’s life.


End file.
